Much to say and not alot of moments of clearheaded-ness this week(end). My grandpa (Nanu) has been in the hospital for the past two months, and this past week we very nearly lost him. Fortunately he pulled through for now, but it's very hard to see him in the shape he is in... At 88 years old I know he has a had a life that many can only hope for, but just the same, it is terrible to see how scared he is. He realizes that his end is near... and that there is nothing that those of us who love him can do about it. I visited him this past Thursday, and when I left I was almost certain that it was the last time I'd ever see him... I wrote this later that day during the writing class I teach.
"I love you", I said as I turned to go. He mouthed it back and puckered his cracked and dry lips... I kissed his old forehead and his mouth and squeezed his gnarled hand. "I'm sorry if I've ever disappointed you" I whispered quietly in his ear. His eyes teared and he shook his head... One last spoon of ice chips and another gentle smoothing of his silvery hair. I took my glove off and laid my hand upon his pale sunken cheek and turned away.
At the door I removed that horrible blue plastic tarp and looked back once more at him... a skeleton of the Nanu who once beat me effortlessly in arm wrestles... though he occasionally let me win. Images flashed of my childhood years, when my brothers and sisters and I would spend nearly all summer every year at their house. For sunrise to after dark we would play and laugh in the pool that he complained about, but lovingly tended to just for us... his grumbling voice and the way he'd shout "Riggio!" at my Nana, and she right back at him in her no nonsense way... Spaghetti and meatballs in the screenhouse: Manja!". The choice words he taught me in Italian when telemarketers would call, and the times when he'd whisper to me that I was his favorite and then wink and squeeze my hand... Or when he would brag about how beautiful and smart his granddaughter was and how I was going to be the first woman in Major League Baseball, and later the first woman President... I thought about all the times I'd failed him... When I crashed his car the day he let me borrow it to take my driving test... when I didn't go to college despite my top ten class status and in spite of his expectations... The summer my boyfriend and I were homeless and lived in his screenhouse.. when I became a single mother at Twenty Five, and when I dreadlocked my hair... I wondered how many other moments I had forgotten....
"I'm sorry for all the times I've disappointed you", I said... "Never" his eyes replied... I said goodbye and I knew it was for good.
4-30-09 K Prue
Not much more I can say on that, other than I hope when his moment comes, it is quick and painless for him, and that if there is a better place on the other side, that he finds it with ease...
In creative terms this weekend was nearly a bust as well... I took my wool and needles with me when I dropped my mom off at the hospital and sat in the car with Lennon sleeping while I felted a dozen or so beads... I am exchanging jewelry for care from my Naturopath, so I worked on some of the beads for her necklace and finished her bracelet (see photos). I also took Lennon to a park near the hospital where I taught him how to help scatter dandelions seeds or as we call them "blowflowers"... He kept picking the yellow or closed ones and blowing super hard trying to get them to scatter as well :) I managed to snap a few really cute photos of him in action....
Yesterday, I designed some new banners for my parents Jewelry shop, http://magicaljewelry.etsy.com (which I operate for them) and some new boxes and avitars for my advertising campaign... and have been surfing the web and networking something fierce! So far so good, I've had a few new followers in just over 24 hours and quite a few new page hits! I also put my time to use in organizing some of my supplies... My beads are now much more accessible (see photos) and I think I may just sit down and try to create some of the designs I've dreamt up (literally) over the past few nights. I really want to clean up my bedroom and workspace/corner of bedroom which is in DIRE need of it (see photos at end of post), but we'll see what Lennon has to say about that... all I know is that I've got to get out of this funk...
I've got so many awesome ideas on things to create that NEVER take shape... My schedule with Lennon that was working like a charm went kaput when we were sick a few weeks ago and I STILL have not gotten back on track! I may have found someone willing to trade me a car for some muralist work and it took me nearly a day to call them back (you'd think I would have jumped immediately..). And I've got a Lawyer I am retaining to represent me for a very bad illness I had last year as a complication of food poisoning... and I've been holding the paperwork for almost a month now instead of just sucking it up and writing the lousy couple paragraphs needed on one page of it. :( FUNK... FUNKY FUNKITY FUNK.... and not the good kind of FUNK. Someone (or I) needs to kick me in the rear-end. Help! :)
One final thought, I'm tossing around the idea of doing some giveaways... any interest? Leave me a comment and help me decide whether or not to do it! :)